I was an angry person for as long as I could remember. It was so easy for me to blame my situation on my past. My mother had thrown me away as a child and no one else wanted anything to do with me so I was bitter. I didn’t realize that a parent could pass on so much more than DNA but eventually I would come to realize that I was just like my mother.
I grew up in the system with no text book example of how to be a successful adult let alone a parent. I never resented having my kids, quite the opposite in fact. My children gave me purpose and a reason to wake up every day. The only problem was, I didn’t always know how to show it. I was so consumed with anger and blame that I couldn’t see the cycle that I was repeating.
I was unsympathetic, selfish, manipulative and carried an oversized ego because that is what life had taught me. I was damaged and expected the world to cater to me no matter what choices I made. I was told once that I couldn’t make someone love me but in my mind I could, and I would. If no one saw things my way they would get pushed to the side or suffer my wrath.
I was determined that I would always remain in control of my life at any cost. This need for control left me aggressive, and quite frankly an asshole. I’m sure alcohol played a major part in my ten feet tall and bullet proof attitude, but it wasn’t until my first DUI that it began to sink in. I started to think running away would fix everything, but I realized that the problems followed me. No matter what I did or how far I went the results were always the same.
I was unable to see that I was the one with the problem and until I fixed me, these problems would always impact my life. My life was in complete chaos and I had no idea how to change it. I had zero coping skills and quite frankly I still believed it was everybody else’s fault. It’s amazing how in control I felt when I was completely out of control. Just as my mother before me I was oblivious to the damage I left in my wake.
As I observe my children now in their daily life I can see the destruction I left behind. There was a period in my life where my mind was cloudy and unfocused, but I make a conscious effort daily to stay focused. Unfortunately, my son has picked up where I left off and is destroying everything in his path. I never wanted the cycle to continue but in my absence from reality I unknowingly oiled the wheel.
I accept the role I played in his development, but I also accept that his choices are now his. The first half of my life I blamed my mother for how miserable my life was and now he blames me. The sins of our mother are a heavy burden to bear, but I believe it can get better. With a positive outlook and a conscious effort, the burden can be lightened. First and foremost there must be forgiveness and some level of acceptance in the role that we all play.
The Sins of our Mother
