The Sins of our Mother

I was an angry person for as long as I could remember. It was so easy for me to blame my situation on my past. My mother had thrown me away as a child and no one else wanted anything to do with me so I was bitter. I didn’t realize that a parent could pass on so much more than DNA but eventually I would come to realize that I was just like my mother.
I grew up in the system with no text book example of how to be a successful adult let alone a parent. I never resented having my kids, quite the opposite in fact. My children gave me purpose and a reason to wake up every day. The only problem was, I didn’t always know how to show it. I was so consumed with anger and blame that I couldn’t see the cycle that I was repeating.
I was unsympathetic, selfish, manipulative and carried an oversized ego because that is what life had taught me. I was damaged and expected the world to cater to me no matter what choices I made. I was told once that I couldn’t make someone love me but in my mind I could, and I would. If no one saw things my way they would get pushed to the side or suffer my wrath.
I was determined that I would always remain in control of my life at any cost. This need for control left me aggressive, and quite frankly an asshole. I’m sure alcohol played a major part in my ten feet tall and bullet proof attitude, but it wasn’t until my first DUI that it began to sink in. I started to think running away would fix everything, but I realized that the problems followed me. No matter what I did or how far I went the results were always the same.
I was unable to see that I was the one with the problem and until I fixed me, these problems would always impact my life. My life was in complete chaos and I had no idea how to change it. I had zero coping skills and quite frankly I still believed it was everybody else’s fault. It’s amazing how in control I felt when I was completely out of control. Just as my mother before me I was oblivious to the damage I left in my wake.
As I observe my children now in their daily life I can see the destruction I left behind. There was a period in my life where my mind was cloudy and unfocused, but I make a conscious effort daily to stay focused. Unfortunately, my son has picked up where I left off and is destroying everything in his path. I never wanted the cycle to continue but in my absence from reality I unknowingly oiled the wheel.
I accept the role I played in his development, but I also accept that his choices are now his. The first half of my life I blamed my mother for how miserable my life was and now he blames me. The sins of our mother are a heavy burden to bear, but I believe it can get better. With a positive outlook and a conscious effort, the burden can be lightened. First and foremost there must be forgiveness and some level of acceptance in the role that we all play.

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