Some days are completely exhausting, physically and mentally. I’m going to pour myself a drink. Why don’t you do the same, and join me for some verbal expressions.
Most of my life has been dysfunctional. Abused verbally, mentally, sexually, and physically. I used the excuse of not having a mother for my behavior. I spent my teen years in various placements and my adulthood in every wrong relationship I could throw myself into. I failed in many ways as a parent and couldn’t stay focused long enough to advance in school or work. Eventually I got myself on a fairly straight forward path and married a great guy. My new husband just happens to be a quadriplegic. I knew what I was getting into when I married him. Caring for him is something I can handle. What I struggle with is taking care of everyone else. It’s not supposed to be this way. I should be at the point in my life that I shouldn’t have to work so hard. Some feel that maybe I deserve the shit I get, because apparently I was a pretty shitty person. I had shitty moments, mostly because I was never taught any better.
I don’t feel like I have ever truly belonged anywhere. Ripped from my Native American roots, raised for six agonizing years with a White middle class Lutheran family. Thrown back into “The System” until age 17, I was told I was supposed to be like everyone else. But I can’t be like everyone else. I wasn’t created that way. I am not completely sure if I was born this way or created over time. But either way I know I differ from most people in society. What most people refuse to believe is, people can change. I changed. But the one thing that has never changed is my willingness to give people second chances. I believe in the goodness of most people even when most people have given me very little reason to keep seeing the good. Now that I have slowed down and I can take the time to look around me, I can see people and things for what they really are. And it’s heartbreaking.